Dear
Diary,
This has been the
longest, most difficult, most awesome day of my life, and as exhausted as I am,
I cannot put my head to sleep without telling of this day. So many confusing things are happening that I
can’t comprehend, for now I just want to empty my head, because I know these
are mysterious times and I am trying so hard to honor them.
This morning I awoke
before dawn to go to Jesus’ tomb, it was still dark when I arrived. I was so shocked because the front stone of
the tomb was moved aside. I didn’t know what to do and I was so afraid, I ran
to get Peter. Along the way I wondered,
has someone stolen the body, was Jesus in there, did someone desecrate his
body? I should have gone in and looked,
I should have been braver, I was so afraid, and I feared the Romans were
watching me. I ran straight to the guys
to protect me. I told Peter and the
other disciples they must have stolen Jesus from the tomb, where do you think
they put him???
Peter and the guys
thought it best to go back and check for sure, since I hadn’t actually gone in
the tomb. We were all running
frantically, John outran us and reached the tomb first, he saw only Jesus’
linens on the ground outside, he didn’t go in the tomb either, that made me feel
a little better about my own fear. Finally,
he went in and in the darkness of the tomb; he came to believe what Jesus had
told him that he would rise again. The guys all left, I couldn’t move, I was
afraid, sad, and lonely, -- is this really what happened, did Jesus himself
rise, or did they take his body, was it not enough that they mocked him, killed
him, for being full of love and compassion rather than a rule follower? I just couldn’t take all the stress of the
last few days, I finally started crying uncontrollably.
I was standing outside
the tomb, still unable to go in, afraid of the dark, of the cold. I just could not stop crying… all this week, I
have been so filled with fear and it turned to such sorrow on Friday, I cannot
help myself, I just stood there and lost it.
While I was still crying I stooped down to look into the tomb, as dark
as it was, I had to see for myself. To my amazement, I saw two angels, one at
the place where Jesus’ feet were laid and the other where his head was. They asked me, WOMAN, why are you weeping?
I am pretty close to the angels, they speak to me often, and I trust
their words, so I told them, “they have
taken Jesus”, I do not know where they put him, but I need to find him, I need
to know that he is all right, I want to care for his body. It is so wrong what they did to him and now
he is gone. … and then I turned around and saw a man I thought was the
gardener, I asked him to please just tell me where Jesus is and I
will go away, that’s all I want.
And then this man, who I had never seen before,
said my name. It was instantaneous, I
knew it was Jesus; he says my name like no one else, for he knows and loves me
more deeply than anyone. No one had to
tell me where Jesus was –he was here with me, I was so astonished, I was so
sure I wanted to throw my arms around
him, like the old days, I just wanted to know everything was okay and that the
last few days have been a bad dream.
Jesus told me not to
touch him. He was the Jesus I know and
love, but he wasn’t, I was not seeing what I have seen when I looked at him
before. He told me to go and tell the others that he is ascending to the
Father. Now I remember Thursday night at dinner he had described something like
this, I didn’t understand it then, now I am in awe of the mystery of it all, I
know in my heart, it was Jesus, I know in my mind he foretold all of this to
us, but my mind and heart have not caught up to each other. I am not so afraid now, but I am so
bewildered. All I know is that I do not
want Jesus to ever leave me, I want things like the old days –when he spoke I
was mesmerized, when he talked of life and God and the poor, I knew he had
answers that made perfect sense to me, but more than anything, I just miss the
way he looked into my eyes, seeing the very truth of me, it was so good to know
someone really understood me for who I am. And I want to always remember the
sound of my name coming from his lips. That
is why I know for sure it was him today outside the tomb, when he said MARY!,
it was just like I had heard him call me a thousand times before with such a
love and respect that no one has ever had for me.
I learned something really important today, that God
has so much more in store for me than I can ever imagine… when those angels
asked me why I was crying, they were moving me from the dark pain of losing my
friend to seeing him in a new way.
Here is my advice for people in deep sorrow, who fear
that things will never be the same, or get better -
Don’t fill up your life with petty knowing. Leave space for something more mysterious, more beautiful, more profound than you can presently even imagine. The Great Creator has more beauty in store for you than you can even dream is possible at this point in your life... Leave space for the Great Mystery to offer something new and wonderful! Everything is unfolding in beauty; we need only stop holding on to the familiar. (from The Power of Prayer, ed. Dale Salwak)
I am going to call it a night; I have had enough excitement and fear for one day. I hope tomorrow I can get up and take my own advice to holding on to the familiar. Mary M
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